Cake Is Such A Slut

Mmm, yeah, you want some of this don’t you? I see you over there. Tryin’ to resist my deliciousness, but I know you just want to lick my chocolatey goodness. Ooo look at my cherries. Yeah, c’mon. Closer to the counter. Take out those dollar bills. Yeah, pay for me and then put me in your mouth!

When you really think about it (and the fact that you’re schizophrenic if you can hear a cake seduce you) cake is a total harlot. Zero pride. It just wants yo bills and it will let you do anything to eat. Butcher it into a crumby mess! Chances are cake is on drugs which is why it lets bakers pimp it out. Pretty sad. *Sheds tears, does nothing to stop the hopeless slutting of cakes worldwide*

Anyway! Food! When I’m travelling people think the hardest thing is money (which is a struggle) or being tired (I do occasionally have eye bags to the floor) or not having time to hook up with dudes (this is honestly a concern many people have for me, it’s touching really…?) But what is actually hardest for me is maintaining any sort of regular diet. I could be eating so well Dr.Oz would tip his hat at me, then all of a sudden I’m on a bus from New York to Florida and it’s like “Hey…Hey Becca. I know what you want. That stale ass looking cake in the bus station. You see it? Mmmm it looks not-even-that-delicious but decent enough to eat at 4am, doesn’t it? Reach for your purse.”

BAM! It all goes to hell. When you’re in a stable environment (a stable environment to me is anything that isn’t an asylum, a relationship with Chris Brown and lasts longer than 6 months) it’s easier to stay on track. Those schedule things…yeah, those. With the lists and stuff. *Pretends to know*  Stupid asterisks always in everybody’s business

-_-

I’m not going to lie though. Sure I care about being healthy, sure I want to have a body so banging it looks photoshopped, and sure I don’t want to have a bra full of stale bus station cake crumbs. But what do I want more? I want cake! Ice cream! Together they’re an even more diabolical team than Bonnie & Clyde. Evil deliciousness.

I’ve been on diets. Some extreme where I ended up looking like a hanger in thrift store clothes (go away Macklemore), some which lasted a week, and some which were meant to happen and then Lack O’Willpower came along and stabbed Diet right in the face. It was hit by, it was struck by a smooth criminal! Cold blooded. Savage.

Food genuinely makes me happy. When I was younger and more influenced by what other people thought (haha, imagine me caring about what other people thought! Parallel dimensions are so hood.) I didn’t like food, it was my enemy. Now that I realize life is short, I allow myself to eat foods I love and embarrass myself with stale bus cake. I want to eat cheese pies in Thessaloniki, pizza in Pisa (I gave in to the corny tourist cliche), duck noodles in Bangkok and randomfriedstuffs in New York. Honestly, would the Gods even forgive me if I didn’t have a fried oreo on my bucket list? Sounds so disgusting and yet so totally worthwhile. Yeah, all that. I want to do it!

I eat healthy too, don’t worry! I actually love all that good wholesome stuff. Yeah, carrots n shit. But there’s nothing better than ending a healthy meal with a dessert that totally butchers your vitamins!

No shame, just happiness.

Outset OMFG! LOOK AT IT! OMG! IT’S JUST SO MMM! DANGALANG! FFFF! LAWD JESUS IT’S A FIRE!

*Hyperventilates*

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