After leaving London we went to Greece, specifically to a town called Gerakini which is a big tourist area which becomes a ghost town as soon as the sun isn’t turning you tomato red any more. I had a lot of fun there though. I turned walnut brown, burned my afro and met some good friends. I also met a lot of dipshits, but we pretend they don’t exist. Because I murdered them all. After Gerakini we stayed in Polygiros (which means Many Circles, but the town should actually be called Incestville or Goat Fornication City, but they decided on Many Circles because their road system sucks and incest isn’t good for business). Our first apartment was chosen cause my mum thought it was “cute and quaint”, but cute and quaint turned out to mean it was oldasfuck and had rats in the ceiling. A pervert also stole her underpants from the washing line. So I was all “Maybe somewhere not so quaint?” and we ended up living in two other places in Incestville before we moved on to Moudania, Valta and Thessaloniki.

5 Factoids about Greece:

1. Everyone is good looking until they’re 25, then overnight the hot people are replaced with 100 year old hairy, saggy titted creatures. Pretty beastly. One time I went out to look for my dog, caught up with him and it turned out it was my friend, Maria. 

2. The entire country is Gossip Central. It’s the Meditteranean rumour mill. 99% of it isn’t true, but everyone likes to pretend it’s factual especially if it’s something horrific.

“Did you hear she’s had two abortions?”

“She’s a virgin…”

“I know, that’s what makes it even worse!”


3. The school system relies on tyro pites (cheese pies) and katalipseis (strikes) and education is always M.I.A. When I went to school it usually involved staring at dust particles, sitting in the playground for the following two hours because your teachers decided their pay was shit on Tuesday, but worthwhile on Monday, and watching kids smoke bad quality weed behind the building. The children learn everything by going to frontistirios which are basically outside paid mini schools for everything you were supposed to learn in school but didn’t because who the hell goes to school to learn?

4. They have the best nightclubs ever. They start at 22:00 and don’t finish until 06:00, by which time everyone is drunk and probably pregnant. People dance on the bars in clothes so short you can see through their underwear into their uterus and out into a distant galaxy, the music’s so loud you end up screaming at each other and making angry sign language to be understood, and it’s always fun to watch tourists do the worm on the floor leaving behind their inhibitions and pride.

5. The Greek sex mantra is “If it’s got a hole and it’s not totally dead, I should probably have sex with it.”


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