Tales of Voyages, Sundaes, Pugs, Fabulous Bears and Chris Hemsworth

A small list of random things about yours truly: I am a 6’3 biracial afro child of 19 years of age. And yes, I am a girl. I have the bits and everything to prove it. Don’t make me show you! I’m prepared, I lost my dignity on a bus ride….homie. (OMG, I’m so hood it’s uncanny…dawg).

Now let’s make it clear. This is entirely based on my perspective. If at some point you think “Wow, this girl has issues!” then you would be totally wrong on an entirely correct basis! Riddle me that one *thug shrug* But in all seriousness, I just want to hopefully shed some laughs using my life as the punchline.

The story: I began travelling full-time when I was 6 years old. Obviously not by myself, otherwise this blog would be way cooler and my parents would either be dead or champions in neglectfulness and douchebaggery. Together with my older brother and madre, we set off from London and headed with hopes of glory to Greece.

Greece is a long story for another day, but it’s safe to say it included a lot of drama, feta, sunburn and malakies. Which is Greek for ‘bullshit’. You feel so intelligent now you can’t stop reading at this point, don’t you? Yeah, you do. You genius you ^_^

Somehow from having modestly awesome dreams for the Meditteranean, we ended up going to the following countries. All of them have not been lived in, yet all of them have been visited and considered: England, Scotland, Greece, Italy, France, Spain, Austria, Switzerland, Portugal, Tunisia, Bulgaria, Romania, Canada, U.S.A., Panama and Guadeloupe (where we are currently). Right now you’re asking yourself “Where are her marbles?” but I’m sure you’re feeling acceptably inadequate right now, right? No? Moving on.

Out of the countries listed, we have lived in England (6 years + another year when I was 12), Scotland (a total of about 2 years on three separate occasions, because it takes me that long to think maybefuckingnot), Greece (10 years, my longest time anywhere which ended with an abrupt welcome in 2010. Thanks Economic Crisis, you’re a doll!), Italy (2 years in Rome, most of which were spent sweating off my imaginary testicles while I gawked at really old fancy stuff), Canada (9 months in Quebec City and Montreal where I realized that maybe French was not my forte), Panama (only about 2 months volunteering), Guadeloupe (because hey, if you don’t get that you hate French the first time, force yourself to find out the hard way a second time!)

And because I think I lost my marbles one sunny day, I’m off with my mum to Thailand. Specifically, Bangkok. But saying “I’m off to Bangkok” is dirty. Our arrival date is set as the 17th of May, which means the Thai people have only a few days to prepare themselves for a giant invasion!

One question I’m asked by a lot from people is “What are you looking for?” The short answer would be > Chris Hemsworth in a king size bed holding a fudge sundae and an unlimited credit card. But because that’s supposedly ‘unrealistic’ (pfft!) I am looking for the following:

To be as full as this pizza eating pug   

As fabulous as this bear 

To be as sexually seductive as this sloth 

To give as much of a damn as a cat in a cowboy hat 

As much courage as a disabled baby pig 

And to be as happy as this lamb! 

Look how happy it is! It’s not even doing anything, it’s just lying by a damn tree and it’s just all naturally frickin adorable, mocking us with its smile. Like “Hey everyone! Come look at how happy I am!” and you can’t even be mad cause it’s so damn cute. Ridiculous. You’re ridiculous, lamb. I would slap you if I didn’t want to pet your soft ears of innocence. Fluffy white demon.

I will eat your soul” – Direct quote from lamb to WordPress.

And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want Chris Hemsworth, who could surely summon a fudge sundae from the depths of the earth with his biceps. Science isn’t even a factor at this point. Biceps > Science. Sorry, NASA.

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